THE LIST

“Gang, I fil bad.”

That was the text I received from CJ this afternoon. Of course I responded asking her why. And her next message suddenly made my heart jump and beat faster. Mixed emotions conquered me. Her text goes like, “Naa na ang list” (The list is already out.) I read it as if she was beside me uttering those very words with a flat tone. Suddenly, it dawned on me. But still I had a hint of hope in the side of my mind. I don’t want to lose it all and totally dwell in the negative.

But her confirmation of the bad news erased my hopes away. The list of the lucky twenty is finally out and only MM made it from our group. The sorrow I felt is now visible on my face. My heart is so heavy that my eyes overflowed. I took a shower to wash them away. I even asked God why – why I did not make it when I wanted it so badly.

When I was on my way to meet up with CJ to hear the news personally, I even thought that maybe CJ was just kidding and that she would just want to surprise me – a sign that I am still hoping. But then I thought that that wouldn’t be such a nice joke. And when I was a couple of steps away from them and I finally had a glimpse of CJ’s face, I realized that she wasn’t really joking after all.

Now, I don’t really understand what I am feeling. Guess I am back to having mixed emotions again. For sure I’m sad. Or maybe jealous for I am not picked; jealous that the others will be leaving soon; and jealous for they got the thing what I wanted so badly. Maybe I am also disappointed – disappointed at myself, disappointed at the list and for the system of selection – if there’s such!

Somewhat, I have already accepted the fact that I was not lucky enough to be included in the list. I keep on thinking that I should already accept it and that it is the right thing to do. That is why I tend to suppress the grief. I try to forget about it and just focus on the positive things. But somehow, anger and depression still linger. I keep on returning to those feelings. Guess I haven’t fully accepted it yet. Maybe forgetting and suppressing aren’t that helpful after all. Or maybe, it just takes some time for me to fully accept it. All I need is time.

Guess we’ll be waiting again. When will this end? If they just only knew how agonizing this feeling is. But at least there were people chosen and good enough that one of them is from our group, it gives us hope that maybe the next ones would already be us.

I know God has plans for us. I always thank God for everything happen in His perfect time; God never failed me on that and maybe now is just not the right time yet. I may not realize it now but I know that there will be a reason for this – why He hadn’t given it now. And now I pray that I can fully accept that I was not in that list. I know this time isn’t for me because God has bigger and better plans and it will come in the most perfect time – in His time.